SHIRLEYWORLD UPDATES
"Let the Bullets Fly!"
Chapter VII

by Timothy J. Muise

WATER MANAGEMENT AT SHIRLEYWORLD / FOOLISHNESS FLOODGATES OPEN WIDE

As with everything else in this failed gulag of correctional madness they can't even flush the hydrants without endangering lives. How many cops does it take to flush a pipe? Apparently 5200 ain't enough. The Boot made plans to 'flush the hydrants' but as with her Ivory Tower Rile she left the gulag at 3:PM and left the 'project' up to the Lt. McHardleys and Captain Stupids of the 3-11 shift. A 'Memo' was never posted which said the water would be off from 3:pm to 6pm on Thursday. Since no one got the 'memo' as is always the case here) men were furious right from the start. The exteemed 'Brown Shirt' cops who spend most days flushing their own pipes in some backroom here could not get the job done and by 9:45pm the prison expected me to lock in their cages with no water for drinking or toilets. The guards exploited this situation bin a 'job action' designed to make it look like they are in danger and need more cops. They made a mountain out of a molehill and it resulted in men having their lives seriously disrupted: 12 men went to the hole under false allegations of organising a group demonstration which is far from the truth. The truth is that the guards and administration here did not do their jobs in not announcing the water shut off. Then to make matters worse they expected prisoners to lock in their cells with no drinking water over night. When reached for comment, Antoinette Denied-Oh proclaimed, 'Let them eat cake!'

NBC PLANS NEW REALITY SHOW / 'SHIFT SWAP' WOULD DETAIL GUARDS LIVES.

The DOC has entered into a develope agreement with NBC with plans to create a new reality show detailing the lives of the men and women who 'Walk the Toughest Beat in the State'. 'Shift Swap' would show you how you can work your 40 hour shift in just three days if you swap your shifts with another guard. Naptime and 'office respite' will be shown in all their glory. One episode will show how the 3-11 shift places a clear trash bag over the inside of the caseworker's office window so that the camera does not pick up the poker game inside. Another episode will let viewers know how to get a 'two for one' deal at Culinary Arts and then steal the condiments from the visiting room. An entire episode will be dedicated to the 'nepotism chain' showing one family's presence in every level of DOC employ. Men, women, and possibly pets from the Whipout family are employed across the state and the show will let the viewers know that they can get a peice of this correctional pie as well as the new recruits just keep coming. 'I get more sleep here than I do at home.' CO Sandy Man stated. The show will be rated NC-17 as some of the sexual exploits of the married employees will be featured. Lt. Sadism Machine Urine inquired if there was a stipend or per diem for quantity?

CHURCH ATIRE TOO REVEALING FOR PURITANICAL SHIRLEYWORLD.

The fine security staff of the Shirleyworld visiting room have struck a new low by turning away a sick and dying mother from seeing her son due to the assessment that her calf level skirt was 'too revealing'. CO 'Me So Hawny' Smythe turned away this cancer patient after determining that the below the knee skirt she was wearing was too sexy. 'I can't let some middle aged mother show ankle out there, what would the children think?' This poor woman had just come from Church where her dress was totally appropriate. 'God and I have very different standards.', Me-So-Hawny was heard to say. 'In my country you wear full length skirts and long sleeves just in case they Napalm us again. They should do the same here in the States.' This visit Nazi professed. When reached for diagnosis the ghost of Sigmund Freud opined, 'They killed her water buffalo when she was younger and the trauma still haunts her. She views these visitors as the chopper pilot of her nightmares.' The Boot is giving serious consideration to making Islamic Burkas available to all female visitors as they process in. 'They come in nice pastels and light summer fabrics', The Boot was overheard saying. When asked who Deputy Denied-Oh's jean designed was The Boot said she thought it was Sherwin Williams. 'They must have painted jelly cause jam don't shake like that!'

CHEMICAL CASTRATION OF SHIRLEYWORLD GUARDS COMPLETE / NOISES REPLACE BALLS

The 'Spring Water' Program paid for by MCOFU has been a great success. The Dow Chemical Company castration drug 'Nostuff Sodium' has no flavor and has proven effective in 99% of the cases here. 'We let the guards fill their water bottles with free 'Spring Water' and they had no idea we put the Nutsoff in their water'. said Captain Can't-Find-A-Way. 'They will follow my orders now!' he said. The change has also been noticed by prisoners who engage in free speech here in the prison. Lt. MacHardly now whistles at prisoners thinking it will scare them. Lt. Peckerwood makes kissing sounds and it would not be the first time this cotton loafered fool lip locked with a dude. CO Scumlafia will make comments when someone walks by and other guards just keep their fingers squarely upon their radio 'bitch buttons' as they roam about the joint inbetween naps. The Nutsoff seemed to have a different effect on the female guards. 'We have noticed that this drug seems to increase female libido. It is like the female Viagra.' said Doctor Stan Dapain of UMass Medical. 'These gals are dropping trou in the gym, the HSU, the tower and all over the joint at the drop of a hat, which ain't a bad thing as far as I am concerned.' Dr Dapain noted. No nuts are required to seize water bottles, wrangle clothes lines, uncover windows or confiscate milk and bread. Men like Sgt Bitch who boycotted the water (he drinks only bile) still have enough balls to steal toilet paper and condiments, but will always check the remainder of their nutsack contents at the door when they arrive.

SHIRLEYWORLD LEAVES LARGE ENVIRONMENTAL FOOTPRINT / DAMN GOING GREEN.

Due to the cost of dishwasher parts rising to a new index The Food Limitation Task Force in the Shirleyworld chowhall has dragged their flat feet in getting the dishwasher fixed. 'To hell with this whole goin' green concept. We want to leave as big an environmental footprint as possible.' said Head Food Detective CO Burrito. 'In my land we care little about trees and animals. The only green we care about is the cocoa leaf.' Lt Ban-The-Ham, Task Force Rice Nazi, has called for the use of Styrofoam trays and cups. 'Our whole way of thinking is abusive so why shouldn't we abuse the environment as well?' Lt Ban-The-Ham says that the trays have other uses and should be recycled. 'If you stack them up they make good pillows. We should place some in the School Principal's office for the 3-11 shift.' Lt Sandy Beach said that she has used the 8 ounce cups as diaphrams in a pinch. 'If you're stuck in the HSU and find yourself 'in the mood', but don't have a jimmy, you can use these cups for protection. Just hope one don't slip by the goalie.' 'If you add up all the salaries in the kitchen, all the Food Task Force paychecks, you would not be worrying about the cost to the environment.' Deputy McCan't went on the record to say. Shirleyworld is the best kept secret in corrections. My life has been enriched and I cannot worry about the malajusted cons that have been released under my watch. McCan't detailed. 'I'm not Smokey the Bear or Woodsy Owl. We support petroleum products under my rule. My soul is made of Styrofoam (and my personality of plastic).'

STATE INSPECTION LOOMS LARGE / OVERTIME APPROVED - FOR BOTTLE TASK FORCE

The Asset Management Office of the DOC has approved overtime hours for the Shirleyworld Water Bottle Task Force due to the upcoming State Inspection. Deputy Denied-Oh stated, 'We know the inspection has nothing to do with water bottles or pictures on bulletin boards, but we take this opportunity each year to abuse prisoners and watch the guards jump at my orders.' The Boot elaborated further, 'The State Inspection is always a slam dunk, but part of our rehabilitative process here involves using these folden opportunities to whip the prisoners into rehabilitative shape. It is fun to see how my Task Force ferrets out Coke bottles.' The cost of the overtime is being kept secret. Sgt Young-Un has put in for extra shists and will more than likely be approved as it is easier for him to look under the beds; he does not need to bend over. 'We use this time of a year to teach the younger, less skilled guards, how to manipulate and make your own rules'. said Sgt. Buddy Weiser. 'We know that due to the Stockholm Syndrome we won't have any problem getting prisoners to help us with this madness.' Men die in the HSU, your streets are roamed by the newly released and fully unprepared prisoner, but Deputy Denied-Oh, Deputy McCan't and the Boot want to enforce 'bulletin board decorum'.

More to come...

by Timothy J Muise