SHIRLEYWORLD UPDATES
"Let The Bullets Fly!"
Chapter XXI
by Timothy J. Muise

-SHIRLEY WORLD "SISTENE CEILING" PAINTED OVER / PARIS ISLAND MOANS
Our own captain Shebert, hailing from "stalk-ton" California (not the use of the word "stalk"), felt he had the ah-thor-a-tay to order a "T-Number" prisoner to paint Marine Corp themes on the walls of "his" SOC office. I guess he thought it was his own Sistine chapel or something. Now this arrogant, backwards marching fake jarhead, truly believes that he "runs the show" on his shift, but he found out real quick who the "Boss Hogg" is here at ShirleyWorld. When our Queen of mean, Deputy Denied-oh herself, gazed through the window of Gormer Pyle's office and saw his pipe-dream art work she immediately called the cops; that being the Ayyatollah of security-ola himself: DOS Handy-Sin.

This head of the "couldn't find smuggles suboxone if it hit them in the head" taskforce had to have a talk with Tommy Shebert. The T-Number con (a "transfer" from another state who does not dare to rock the boat) had to come back and paint over Shebert's fantasy world. deputy Denied-oh dropped the old H-Bomb (Hate-bomb) on Gomer Pyle's canvas of foolishness. Having nothing to do the new IPS commander, Lt. Awe, called Paris Island to checkout good old Captin Shebert. They found out that after Captain Shebert was found wearing assless chaps on an alley off of Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras he was drummed out of the Corp and flipped burgers at the White Castle in Baton Rouge until being hired by the DOC.

When Master Sgt. Dick Puffer heard that Shebert had risen to the rank of Captain in the DOC he and all the Marines on the Island let out a collective moan, which sounded like the same moan Shebert let out dow nin New Orleans!

- SHIRLEYWORLD TO PURCHASE "STEP STOOLS" FOR ID TASK FORCE
Our fearless leader, Superintendent Rubber Stamp Wry-on, has agreed to purchase some two-foot high "step stools" to be used by the ID task force she ahs formed here at the prison. Sgt. Young-un, still angry from being turned away from Space Mountain at Disneyworld as he stood "bellow the line", has been appointed by our correction genius of a leader to head up the ID task force, but the problem which has reared its ugly head is that after Sgt. Young-un orders men to "pin that ID on your chest!", they become to high from him to actually reach the information on them. Rather than order Sgt. Little rascal/Peter Dinlage/ Lollypop kid/ Muchkin, etc., to actually follow policy (which states your ID must be worn between your waist and shoulders/ on your torso) Rubber Stamp felt it be more prudent to just all the Mental Midget to use a "step stool" to climb up and read the information.

You see Wry-on "rubber stamps" all this abuse that fools like this Oompa-Loompa come up with. Sgt. Young-un has such a napoleon complex that his own little Elba is ShirleyWorld, but one of these days, probably in the not to distant future, he will meet his waterloo. To many wild kids from the Max are coming down here and one of them is going to adjust his attitude for him. Now the Free Speech Warrior never promotes violence; I feel it counter-productive, but I know that most prisoners do not share that view This ID strike force fool should be grateful he is not working in the freak show or at the carnival filling clown cars for a living.

-ALL MALE REVIEW EARNS BROADWAY TONY AWARD/ ENCORE PERFORMANCE SOUGHT
In a stroke of pure genius the DOC's "all male review" has been nominated for a Tony Award after being led by Sgt. "Big Chew" Charlestown. New DOC Commissioner Wiggins-O'Cryin' was unsure if the expensive cost of the review would be worth it.

She had commented, "Sgt. Charlestown was spending hundreds of dollars per week at Scores in Manhattan. There were also large bills from Bunny Ranch in Reno and The Doll House in Ft. Lauderdale. I was getting nervous but it is now paying off." Rumor has it that there are a whole bunch of 10 pound plus babies being born all along the Review's path, and many wonder if Big Chew may have fathered a brood of grinder-craving bastards.

"I always encourage my staff to use protection, unless they want to just get the bills paid like Lt. Urine did." Superintendent Wry-On added.

The Big Chew does not seem too worried. "There are risks when you lay pipe on the road. I am prepared for any and all situations!"

MassCor has agreed to have the Shirley World sewing shop work on some "assless chaps" for the next show dates. "We saw the ones Captain Shebert wore on Halloween and will model ours after them," said Scotty the supervisor.

Asked if Lt. Shameless Peckerwood would be joining the review on this next tour, the Big Chew said, "I have to eat enough humble pie having this coward as my supervisor. I don't want him on the road with me trying to hire gay escorts to play hide the salami. Salami is for eating!"

"Author, author!"

-COMMISSIONER WIGGINS-O'CRYIN' SAYS "NO SOUP FOR YOU, KAREN"
Bad news from the 31-year quest for the Holy Grail of corrections troth slurping. A superintedentship for our beloved Deputy Denied-Oh. Our esteemed three-decade professional troth gulper, Care-All Wiggins-O'Crying, has announced she will follow suit with her predecessors in denying Deputy Denied-Oh that coveted golden ostrich egg of correctional glory: your own ship to run upon the rocks.

Just like Seinfield's Soup Nazi yelling, "No soup for you. Two months!", Ms. Wiggins-O'Crying bellowed, "No superintedentship for you. 31 years!"

We are all heartbroken here at Shirley World as Ms. Denied-oh has done so much for us here. She started the Stockholm Lifers Group and employed effective brainwashing techniques. She also started the Toss Your Hopes For Parole Out the Window: Second Degree Lifers Group, which feeds negative information directly to the Parole Board. Like the One Day at a Time sign at AA meetings, this group should have a five year set-back sign proudly displayed.

Absolute power corrupts, but I guess that pretend power also corrupts. Everyone in society knows these prison jobs are nothing but a huge waste of taxpayer dollars on folks who are vastly unqualified to do any real work in the private sector.

Deputy Denied-Oh seeks the opportunity to run her own Titanic on the rocks of public safety dismantling. Her Exxon Valdez would spill oil all over the coastline of any hope for successful reentry. The clean up would cost hundreds, if not thousands, of lives. But most of this system of layabout fools feel job security concerns outweighs the lives of innocents. Sexton in hand and telescope to the hidden horizon, her ship would surely sail onto the reef of death. "No soup for you, Karen. 31 years!"

-DEPUTY DENIED-OH BANS ALL LEGAL COPIES / GAVEL WAITING TO LAND
In her typical arrogant and illegal operation fashion, our Dame Demon Deputy Denied-Oh has banned the copying of all legal materials here at the prison. "Damn the Constitution and its misguided free speech and access to the courts' provisions. I am the law of the land here at Shirley World!"

The Free Speech Warrior is not taking this laying down (that is Lt. Urine's favorite position). The Free Speech / Access to the Courts lawsuit has been filed, and the defendants will be served by the time this Chapter of Shirley World Update post hits this blog. The court's gavel will be waiting to fall on Ms. Denied-Oh as well as Rubber Stamp Wry-On for rubber stamping these constitutional violations. It's all fun and games until someone loses a settlement.

I am quite happy to report that the filing fees from this latest case will be paid by a previous cash settlement the Free Speech Warrior received from the Department of Corruption. One of the best First Amendment lawyers Massachusetts has ever seen was here to see the Warrior. He laughed at how "rock solid" and "slam dunk" this case is. The Warrior is going to make it about personal responsibility as Denied-Oh and Rubber Stamp knew what they were doing was illegal.

The gavel is waiting to land on this new case, and the Warrior will keep you posted!

More to come...