SHIRLEYWORLD UPDATES
"Let The Bullets Fly!"
by Timothy J. Muise
*******

- GUARDS AT SHIRLEYWORLD RECEIVE AWARDS/CONCERT TO BE HELD

Due to the untimely departure of MCI Shirley Superintendent Kelly Wry-On, the new "super" (think "warden") has implemented what he calls the "Jackboot Awards" for the new Nazi regime he has implemented at the gulag. He also plans to hold a Concert for the Awards Ceremony at which time Steve Miller will play "The Joker", a Beatles Tribute Band will play "Fool On The Hill", and Waylon Jenning's son Shooter will sing, "Instant Asshole - Just Add Alcohol".
Here are some of the awards being given out: Lt. Shameless Pecker-Head wins the "Got Beat Up By A Girl/Had The Shit Slapped Out Of Me" Award with a $100.00 gift certificate for "Fuzzy Navels" at The Manhole Lounge. Lt. Dick McHardly wins the "Buster Douglas Short Lived Champion" Award for going 8 and 3 in fights with handcuffed cons. He lost his title when the Transgender Champion of the Northern Sector, Bullet Boobs Bob/Bobette made him tap in the first round. Lt. Davie Haven't A Clue, their fine disciplinary screw, got the "Essop's Fabels Story Telling" Award for the content of his d-reports as well as the "Pinnochio Gets Rhinoplasty" Award for the way he covers up lies. Real fine member of the Law Enforcement Community! In typical DOC fashion good ol' Super Ray had to give himself an award so he got the "Heinrich Himmler Get In The Shower" Award for his stellar treatment of men in the hospital unit and folks who come out to visit their loved ones. A Special Life-Time Achievement Award was given to none other than The Mighty Midget, The Talented Troll, The Dedicated Dwarf, the Wonderful Wee Person himself, Deputy Keith Nanu-Nanu for his years of lies, deceit and abuse. The Mickey Rooney "Sit On A Phone Book" Award was given to his associates to hang on his office wall as he could not reach. The Award was going to come with a trip to DisneyLand but they figured, "What's the Use? He can't go on the rides anyway!", so instead he got a gift certificate to "Vertically Challenged" where he can buy the right size suit for the concert ceremony. Great work out there in the sticks you guys! Public safety could not do without you (just like dogs could not do without fleas!)

THE NORFOLK CHRONICLES

Our past-her-due-date Director of Overclassification here, Scary Sherry, has called for the construction of "brail bars" to be placed over the windows in the HSU/ADL Unit here. Due to the fact that there is a fully blind prisoner up there, The Scary One felt it would be smart security to have the window bars contain "brail" warnings that you are "out of place" or "entering a secure zone" so that this blind convict receives the best "care, custody, and control" the system has to offer. Another job well done by the bag lady of corrections! Bravo!

More To Come...