Nov. 17, 2016

Suicide and other reactions I can't embody

by Allan Lummus



FROM: 23038076
TO: Clf Prison Ministry, The
SUBJECT: mp 95 suicide not an option
DATE: 10/29/2016 06:07:55 AM

mp 95 suicide and other reactions I can't embody

Suicide is a choice that some offenders choose. I can remember the FBI agent asking me if I was thinking of killing myself when he was sitting in my living room while the other agents cleaned out my computer desk. I guess I was giving that shell shocked look as the reality of what I had done was sinking in.

But it was never a serious one for me. Why? Very simple, I cannot get over the thinking about how it would affect my son. But even as I write that, why did that same thinking not prevent me from violating the law in the first place. I guess that is level of denial of reality for me during my acting out stage.

I think the sex offenders who resort to suicide are trying to find a way out. Not too different from those who talk about going to a foreign country. They want to make their past go away. I can relate the desire to go somewhere my actions do not reflect on me. I hear the fear that we will not allowed to live our lives when we get out. That people will always use it against us in the future. That fear could be at the core of those who choose suicide as a solution to the predicament. Again I understand the fear and in my worst moments I can awfulize about a hypothetical future of despair and hopelessness.

Not only understand but can feel it deeply in my body. I am sure that fear is a part of many sex offenders search for some place outside of the US for a place that has less post prison restrictions. Moving to some other country seems to be a major focus of many SOs.

But after a while, the reality is that while some people will not give me a chance and will harbour judgmental opinions of me because of the type crime, most people will want to see me turn my life around and do something good. Most people are good hearted and will give me a chance to prove that I am a human being and more than my crime. Most will see that Allan Lummus is more than a sex offender who possessed child pornography, but a human being capable of changing how he responds to life and living a fully and healthily. It is those people who I will allow close to me and be my friends and support. I will have to let the others go their own way and not let the fear of their rejection become a stumbling block to my recovery.

mindful prisoner allan lummus po box 1010 Bastrop tx 96402


Replies (2) Replies feed

kat3005 Posted 6 years, 10 months ago. ✓ Mailed 6 years, 10 months ago   Favorite
Thanks for writing! I finished the transcription for your post.

danielle Posted 5 years, 4 months ago.   Favorite
Everyone deserves the opportunity for redemption. We are all more than our crimes! Even in our darkest days we need to remind ourselves of that. We can all do better if we reflect on our actions and use the proper channels to learn to cope and be better than we were before. Here's to hoping you get the second chance we all deserve!

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