One day, my Mom heard me beating on a bucket in the back yard, and singing "Through it all" (Sylvia mode), and she went nuts, Rev. Stewart told her that "Baby, now Baby, theres that boy in the church that sings "Ave Maria" and he's not a sissy, oh, yeah, he might be one, but let me talk to him first", "God don't like no sissies".
So, Rev. Stewart ask me, "Yo Mama thinks you're a sissy, so do you like girls or boys?"
I told Rev. Stewart that "I liked the song Through it all better than I liked girls or boys, and I liked boys better than I liked girls, but all of the boys are in gangs and, whats a sissy?"
Rev. Stewart said: "A sissy boy is an abomination of God".
And in my mind, it dawned on me that, whatever an abomination was, it was not good, and God didn't like it, and God doesn't like me.
Rev. Stewart told my mother what I said, and she beat me with an electrical extension cord, and kicked me out of the house. So, there I am, naked, bleeding, and crying at 13 years old, sitting on the steps of 1707 E.122nd Street right behind Martin Luther King Hospital, or (Killa King), it's the light green house.
An old lady who lived directly across the street from us, walked a blanket out to me, wrapped me in it, and walked me into her home, she called the police, and made me some hot chocolate. She asked me what was going on, and I told her that my mama and Rev. Stewart told me that God don't like sissies, and I hated that church. (She was my Angel).
So, I never set foot into that house again, never went back to Macedonia Baptist Church, and although I didn't know what a sissy was, I had always known what I was, Myself.
Rev. Stewart was one of the greatest black men I've ever known, I loved him dearly, and admired him for everything he did for us, yet, I spent my entire life looking for myself in the black church, the black community, and what I've found was us hiding from each other, shaming each other and pretending to not exist. there, but not really there.
The Black Church Choir, what would you sound like without me? Would Sister Sylvia even know that she made God real to a 13 year old LGBTQ boy that could never find her when church service was over?
I was afraid to find her because I thought she would look down on me if she saw me as a lil sissy, so I found myself hiding from love. The Choir Director at Willowbrook Jr. High School named Mr. Camble, who made me believe in myself, to step out in front of my sister's entire graduation class and help sing lead vocals to the song "Be Grateful" by asking me: "Who is your favorite singer"?
Where you found me. Macedonia Baptist Church By: Floyd Smit/ Floyd Stewart
Compton California Willowbrook Junior High School, 1978-79, when my mother got married to a man named Rev. Vernon Eugene Stewart. My mother is Gertrude "Trudi" Stewart, my stepfather, Rev. Stewart was an associate pastor at the time at Macedonia Baptist Church where the Rev. Floyd Massey Jr. was pastor.
The streets of Compton, Watts and Los Angeles was super gang related dangerous, and church was the last place I wanted to be, or be seen by any of my homies.
But one thing made me want to go to Macedonia, no it wasn't being mentored by the legendary baseball giant Roy Campenella, or trips to Dodger stadium where we knew each Dodger player, as if Steve and Cindy Garvey was our big brother and sister, Ron Cey, Dusty Baker, and even meeting my own super hero Sugar Ray Robinson at the stadium, no, not me, great, but, no.
What made me want to be at church was when my Mom sat us in the second row near the piano, and although the organ was on the other side of the church, I could feel the bass sub in my body as the organ player got into the intro of a song titled
"Through it all"
Now, I heard this song before, but the intro alone made me drift. And when we all saw Sister Sylvia get up and walk over to the microphone to sing this solo, everybody would applaud, and I noticed my Mom looking at me like she was glad that I liked something about church, but she also knew that my interest in Sister Sylvia's voice reminded my mother of a look she has seen in the eyes of my biological father, Jazz Guitar legend Floyd Smith, whom she still hates, to this day, and whom I've never seen face to face.
But I didn't care, all I wanted was to hear my Sylvia say those first words, yes, I said, say, because Sylvia's singing voice was so strong, smooth, sweet, light, and powerful, it was as if she was speaking directly into my 13 year old soul.
1st verse: "I've been a lot of places, and I've seen a million faces ole but there was times when I just I didn't know right from wrong oh but in my lonely hours those precious low key hours Jesus let me know that I was his own and oh through it all Chorus: Through it all I've learned to trust in Jesus I've learned to trust in God through it all, through it all I've learned to depend upon His word."
Sylvia's version of this song would be stuck in my head, even to this day I can truly say that I love me some Sister Sylvia and I'm writing this message into circa 2018, from California Death Row at San Quentin State Prison. (Yes Lawd)
I will remember that day burned into my memory for the rest of my life seeing you shackled being taken away from me seeing your eyes after hearing how long you’ll be away my heart broke that dreadful day in 2002. If only I could have know how important it was to stop you the day our lives changed forever. I will love you until my last breath my wonderful husband. I am so proud of the man you have worked to become I and our children, grandchild are so very lucky to have you. Forever your wife Alicia
Roland I love you, you have grown into the man I knew you were this whole time I love you even more today than the day we met in 1998. Our story doesn’t end just yet ! I love your writing and read them over and over you are so smart and loving 💕 I am always here for you
RSS
"Through it all" (Sylvia mode), and she went nuts, Rev. Stewart told her that
"Baby, now Baby, theres that boy in the church that sings "Ave Maria" and
he's not a sissy, oh, yeah, he might be one, but let me talk to him first",
"God don't like no sissies".
So, Rev. Stewart ask me,
"Yo Mama thinks you're a sissy, so do you like girls or boys?"
I told Rev. Stewart that "I liked the song Through it all better than I liked
girls or boys, and I liked boys better than I liked girls, but all of the boys are
in gangs and, whats a sissy?"
Rev. Stewart said: "A sissy boy is an abomination of God".
And in my mind, it dawned on me that, whatever an abomination was, it was not good,
and God didn't like it, and God doesn't like me.
Rev. Stewart told my mother what I said, and she beat me with an electrical extension
cord, and kicked me out of the house. So, there I am, naked, bleeding, and crying at
13 years old, sitting on the steps of 1707 E.122nd Street right behind Martin Luther King
Hospital, or (Killa King), it's the light green house.
An old lady who lived directly across the street from us, walked a blanket out to me,
wrapped me in it, and walked me into her home, she called the police, and made me some
hot chocolate. She asked me what was going on, and I told her that my mama and Rev. Stewart
told me that God don't like sissies, and I hated that church. (She was my Angel).
So, I never set foot into that house again, never went back to Macedonia Baptist Church,
and although I didn't know what a sissy was, I had always known what I was, Myself.
Rev. Stewart was one of the greatest black men I've ever known, I loved him dearly, and
admired him for everything he did for us, yet, I spent my entire life looking for myself
in the black church, the black community, and what I've found was us hiding from each other,
shaming each other and pretending to not exist. there, but not really there.
The Black Church Choir, what would you sound like without me? Would Sister Sylvia even know
that she made God real to a 13 year old LGBTQ boy that could never find her when church service
was over?
I was afraid to find her because I thought she would look down on me if she saw me as a lil sissy, so I found myself hiding from love.
The Choir Director at Willowbrook Jr. High School named Mr. Camble, who made me believe in myself, to step out in front of my sister's entire graduation class and help sing lead vocals to the song "Be Grateful" by asking me:
"Who is your favorite singer"?
I said "Sister Sylvia," "Sylvia, from my church."
Where you found me.
Macedonia Baptist Church By: Floyd Smit/ Floyd Stewart
Compton California Willowbrook Junior High School, 1978-79, when
my mother got married to a man named Rev. Vernon Eugene Stewart.
My mother is Gertrude "Trudi" Stewart, my stepfather, Rev. Stewart
was an associate pastor at the time at Macedonia Baptist Church where
the Rev. Floyd Massey Jr. was pastor.
The streets of Compton, Watts and Los Angeles was super gang related
dangerous, and church was the last place I wanted to be, or be seen
by any of my homies.
But one thing made me want to go to Macedonia, no it wasn't being mentored
by the legendary baseball giant Roy Campenella, or trips to Dodger stadium
where we knew each Dodger player, as if Steve and Cindy Garvey was our big
brother and sister, Ron Cey, Dusty Baker, and even meeting my own super hero
Sugar Ray Robinson at the stadium, no, not me, great, but, no.
What made me want to be at church was when my Mom sat us in the second row
near the piano, and although the organ was on the other side of the church,
I could feel the bass sub in my body as the organ player got into the intro of
a song titled
"Through it all"
Now, I heard this song before, but the intro alone made me drift. And when we all
saw Sister Sylvia get up and walk over to the microphone to sing this solo, everybody
would applaud, and I noticed my Mom looking at me like she was glad that I liked
something about church, but she also knew that my interest in Sister Sylvia's voice
reminded my mother of a look she has seen in the eyes of my biological father, Jazz
Guitar legend Floyd Smith, whom she still hates, to this day, and whom I've never seen
face to face.
But I didn't care, all I wanted was to hear my Sylvia say those first words, yes, I said,
say, because Sylvia's singing voice was so strong, smooth, sweet, light, and powerful, it
was as if she was speaking directly into my 13 year old soul.
1st verse:
"I've been a lot of places,
and I've seen a million faces
ole but there was times
when I just
I didn't know right from wrong
oh but in my lonely hours
those precious low key hours
Jesus let me know
that I was his own
and oh through it all
Chorus:
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
through it all, through it all
I've learned to depend upon His word."
Sylvia's version of this song would be stuck in my head, even to this day
I can truly say that I love me some Sister Sylvia and I'm writing this
message into circa 2018, from California Death Row at San Quentin State
Prison. (Yes Lawd)
Where you lost me.
I hope you remain well, safe, and hopeful for the future.
EP
I love you I miss you and our visits
My heart won’t heal without you
Forever your wife
Alicia